Month: January 2006

There’s just no limit to human stupidity. Libertarian or Communist, Christian or infidel, Black or White, we’re surrounded by idiots on every side. Which is why I formulated Barley’s Third Law of Plumbing, which states “Everybody’s an idiot, just at different times.”

Some convulsive-fits-foaming-at-the-mouth left wing extremists have created a little video showing what America is about to be like since Samuel Alito is heading toward confirmation today. Check it out.

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him. As he sits down, the bartender comes over and asks for their order. The man says, “I’ll have a beer.” The tender turns to the ostrich and asks, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have a beer, too,” says the ostrich.  The bartender pours the beer and says, “That will be $3.40 please.”

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come in again, and the man says, “I’ll have a beer,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.

“The usual?” asks the bartender.

“Well, it’s close to last call, so I’ll have a large scotch,” says the man.

“Same for me,” says the ostrich.

“That will be $7.20,” says the bartender. Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can’t hold back his curiosity any longer. “Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?” the bartender asks.

“Well,” says the man. “Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I could just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the bartender, “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The bartender asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man replies, “My second wish was for a chick with long legs.”

I’m happy to report that I’ve discovered the secret to a clean and organized plumbing truck. For sixteen years I’ve struggled with my truck being a mess. Now I think I’ve finally hit on the secret. As you can see, my truck is now the epitome of clean and organized.

And what is the secret to such a clean truck? You just have to dump two-thirds of your junk onto the carport!

People call me nearly every day with a stopped up drain problem, but they almost have to know someone in order to get my phone number. It’s on my web site, but I never advertise in the ordinary sense of the term and, therefore, practically all new customers begin by saying “I got your name from ….”

One day the caller said “I got your name from John Shelton.” I’d never heard of John Shelton, but I didn’t mention that to the customer. I was just glad to get the call and the chance to earn some money. Then such calls continued to trickle in. Finally I asked a caller who “John Shelton” was and found out that he had an appliance repair business in Memphis.

Naturally, I got a call one day from a customer who asked me if I knew someone who repaired appliances. I said I’d check around and I found John in the phone book. I found out from him that we had had a customer in common who told him about me. John’s reaction was “That’s the plumber I’ve been looking for! I often have to refer my customers to a plumber and every time, the plumber ends up doing them wrong.”

We met in person eventually, saw one another occasionally on job sites or at supply houses, worked together on my furnace one evening, but never became actual friends. We were about the same age, but of different lifestyles. We shared a common business philosophy, though, and it caused us to cling together in an informal way and to refer customers to each other constantly. It is very hard to find a trustworthy tradesman, and we who are trustworthy form an alliance nearly as strong as a blood oath. John expected me to treat his customers just as he treated them, and I knew that those customers thought that he was the appliance man from Heaven.

I left a message on his phone a few days ago. This morning the executor of his estate called to inform me that he had died by his own hand on Dec. 18th. Checking back in the Memphis newspaper (which I seldom read), I see that he first shot his estranged wife in a restaurant where she sat with a male friend, then he turned the gun on himself.

Memphis had found something it really needed when it found John. John needed something too, but I guess he never really found it.

So many readers have written in to ask me this question, I decided to just make a blog entry so that I can refer them here.

Recently I and several relatives visited the graveyard where our people are buried. Vandals had gone through the property and kicked over several grave markers, one of which belonged to my aunt’s mother. It pained my aunt to see the monument in this condition, awaiting action by the cemetary’s board. My brother-in-law and I are both pretty strong, but we couldn’t even budge that huge granite slab. It had sat on another granite base and, when toppled, still had its bottom on the base. Its head, however, was now lower than its bottom and the massive weight combined with its position was just beyond the abilities of two men to handle.

We returned later with an eight-foot landscape timber and a number of wooden blocks. We dug out a small hole and poked the end of the timber under the top of the fallen slab. Using a block for a fulcrum, we raised it a few inches and put some blocks in place to keep it up. Then we used a car ramp for a fulcrum and raised it much higher, which made it easier for two of us to grab it by hand and set it completely upright. Once up, it was easy to rock back a little so we could place construction adhesive under it in hopes of discouraging future vandals.